The SUV craze is your fault. Stop pretending you want a manual wagon. Liar.

When Porsche announced they were adding an SUV to their line-up, the devil confirmed he was alive and well.

Maserati, Lamborghini and Bentley in time have all followed suit. But now, we know god has truly abandoned us, for Bugatti has announced an SUV is the next step for the brand.

When I read the comments on news like Bugatti’s incoming SUV on multiple automotive websites and car forums, one thing strikes me as odd: the number of negative comments towards yet another SUV announcement.

Now I appreciate the sentiment, but, these commenters are liars. Dirty rotten, SUV loving, liars.
According to these people the soccer mum is to blame. It´s the private school mummies that have dominated the market and changed the way the automotive industry looks at car sales. I mean really? C’mon, please. Where is your manual RWD sportscar? Your GT86? Subaru station wagon? Where is your manual wagon that you seem to claim is the Holy Grail and the dying breed we should all be buying? And where all true car nerds, if they want to prove their commitment, should be putting their money.

The reality is, everyone is buying autos and everyone is buying SUV’s or pesky crossovers. And the people that write this anti-SUV hate speech are doing it from their phones, parked in a car park, and sitting in their Audi Q3 with the seat ventilation on, the electric parking brake holding firm and the heated steering wheel on ready for when they place their delicate hands on the incredibly light, no feedback steering wheel, plonk the car in to ‘D’ and head off home to look at eBay adverts for Datsun 240z adverts as if they even remember how to shift their own gears or what it feels like to sit at peasant level! These aren’t car enthusiasts. These are fakers.

Every now and then someone is brave though. Someone finds the light in the dark. And that person takes a step, a jump or a leap to escape the place in which they are being held captive.

They buy a wagon, estate, sports tourer, avant, touring, whatever you want to call it, it’s not an SUV!

They do the unthinkable and buy a car that has 5 seats, like an SUV.

They buy a car with a giant boot, like an SUV.

They buy a car that can go anywhere, like an SUV… or is that unlike a modern SUV?

Most modern SUVs are designed with about as much off-road intention as needed to drive up a gravel driveway in Chelsea on a rainy evening. Instead these wagon purchasers get a car that handles well, unlike an SUV, a car that is actually sporty because it’s somewhat near the asphalt on which it rides upon and more entitled to the letter ‘S’ than any “SUV”, and also a car that actually looks good.
In reality, we are all to blame for the SUV craze. People want a sports car but also want to have 7 seats and be 3 feet higher than everyone else whilst also being quick and maintaining sports car-like handling.

It´s like the people who bought the Mini in the 2000´s and gave BMW the feedback, “I love my Mini, but I just wish it was bigger and had more leg room in the front, more passenger space in the rear and a boot capable of holding a sperm whale”. Now we are left with a ‘Mini’ that is nowhere near the word which is badged all over the car.

The modern SUV serves no purpose other than to say “look at me, look how I sit above you”. They can’t go off road and even the ones that can never do. You never see SUV’s driving around with more than one person in the car. You never see them with a full boot hauling stuff. You never seem them with a roof box and kayak fixed to a Thule rack and a bike on the back heading towards white water rapids and bike trails and camping for the weekend. No, you see them in the supermarket, you seem that at schools, you see them in office car parks. That’s it. The cars that aren’t serving a viable purpose. Destroy the cars and make the owners stand in the naughty corner and think about what they’ve done to the state of the automotive industry, our roads and my poor eyes.

But, as for those keyboard warriors who condemn so strongly this new automotive landscape, guess what they do to those friends, family and acquaintances who are brave enough to buck the trend? They slander them. They slander their choice. They boil down their new wagon as just being an ‘old man’s car’ or a grandma car for going to the garden centre. Regardless of whether you buy an XF-RS or 335i Touring, you bought a wagon and now you are a joke.

When will the SUV craze end? Never. Because you all keep buying them. It’s funny to me how every commenter is a die-hard manual wagon fan boy yet walking down the street these people’s manual wagons appear to be nowhere to be found. Perhaps it’s me? Perhaps I am walking down the wrong streets.

The only wagon that seems to escape the mockery is Audi´s RS6 but perhaps that’s because it’s an automatic and people are lazy now and don’t care for manuals. Why should I change gear myself!? I like everything to be easy.

As for the future of sports wagons and sports cars in general, it’s not looking bright. My case in point: Lotus. Lotus for god’s sake! I mean what the hell is happening!? Lotus, the manufacturer of the Exige, Elise, Evora and a former F1 team. A company founded by Colin Chapman and defined by their no frills, lightweight and fantastic handling sports cars is, of course, bringing an SUV to market.
The only hope left is McLaren it seems. And even then, I’m not too sure how long they’ll be able to weather this storm.

So when the day comes where your only option left is to buy an SUV, I hope you’ll all be happy with the lies you told yourselves.