What Is A Car For Someone Who Just Doesn't Care?

I was in a car with someone recently. Unusual, I know. They were one of those A to B people, where the car is a tool. Worse than that, they seemed to have no care at all to what they were travelling in. This got me thinking. What would be the perfect car for someone who just doesn’t care?

I would say there are a few important criteria, but most we can completely disregard.
Looks? Not important. Manufacturer? Nope. Engine, performance? Not a care in the world.

So what is important then? Well I’d say reliability, robustness and safety are probably top of the list. If they don’t care what the car is, they probably won’t have any interest in caring for it. Value is probably next. No normal person wants to spend their hard earned cash on a car that is more expensive simply because it looks nicer or goes a smidge quicker. So it must be the cheapest of the cheap. Economy? It should be sensible. Apart from that, I really can’t think of any other stipulations. Onto some random car hunting then?

The first issue is new or used. New should be more reliable, and much more simplistic for these luddites. They could get an uber cheap PCP deal, and just rinse and repeat or they could grab a slightly older car with a long warranty and probably run it until the end of time.

To cover all budgets, we’ll look at a new, mid price (about £7000) and a budget option. The budget option being the cheapest of the cheap for a “reliable” car. For all of these price ranges we’re going to stick to hatchbacks. These people don’t appreciate cars and clearly have no soul, so why should we grace them with anything nice like a budget sporty coupe? Why should they get a car with fine handling characteristics such as a Ford Puma? You’re right they shouldn’t. So we will not.

For the budget car there are no questions, it has to be an early Honda Jazz. These things are like cockroaches. I should know. I used my Mums as my first car along with my Sister. It took everything we threw at it until it was finally finished off in an accident. (Not mine thankfully). It still is a clever little car. The seats all fold flat so your hatchback can become a van. The rear squabs lift up so you can walk through the back row of seats, and the floor is especially low thats to the thin fuel tank which allows this. 20 years since this car was designed and I don’t think there are many hatchbacks out there which are more practical.

The dynamics of the car aren’t great. Inoffensive I would say. The honda motor is slow but could be described as peppy and possibly even keen if you were someone who thought a bus was a bit quick, and can I please mention the gearshift? The gearshift is incredibly sweet. It’s not bolt action rifle and all that bollocks, but the ease with which you can flick it into gear is just a giggle. Overall, a simple, reliable car, that is probably far too good for someone who will not care.

Onto the mid-range where it gets hard. I just can’t see the point of buying a boring car in this range. From a glance, you can get a 6 year old 208 GTi, a 10 year old Mini Cooper S or even a Mercedes SLK! All with well under 50k miles on the clocks. Why buy a boring hatchback when you can have all these marvellous vehicles. It’s like going into an extremely nice Indian restaurant and ordering an omelette.

There is nothing to be afraid of with these cars. They are unlikely to suddenly explode at the side of the road, like your arse if you accidentally picked a Madras rather than a Korma, but these people are just bland. They take no risks. For this very reason I shall simply say buy a Fiesta and move on. Who am I to argue with the best selling car in the UK for god knows how long? They are perfectly adequate cars.

The above “mid-range” price becomes even more pointless when you realise you can get a brand new car for that price. It proves that there is no point buying an average second hand car, when you can buy an average new car for about the same cost.

I give you the Dacia Sandero. Brand new for a lowly £6,995. Yes I know you’re thinking it’s undeniably much worse than a Fiesta in almost every way, but you are thinking as a car person again. As a tool, it’s perfectly suitable. They are basically old Clio’s, and were they ever that bad? You can say that French cars fall to bits all you want, and that might be true, but the French do build a bloody good simple hatchback. Sure, you might lose a part here or there but they will always keep going. Perfect for the person who just does not give a toss.

You have to spend a touch under £8k to get one with aircon, but that’s still a cracking deal for a brand new car. You can park it on your drive with that brand new number plate and all your other non car neighbours can go “Oh wow. Bran new car? Jeffs doing well”.

One question to pose though. Is a Dacia Sandero any better than an old Honda Jazz? These people won’t care about how quick it is or how it drives. It’s not going to be anymore efficient. Sure it has a warranty, and is probably not going to break for the first 5 years, but other than that, is it really worth 5 times as much as an old Jazz? Well it will be safer in a crash than an old car. But let’s not bring in any actual sense into this.