Hyundai Returns To Roots With 2012 Excel!

Hyundai and sister company Kia have been on a rapid upswing the past few years. The quality of their products has seen such a dramatic increase that they don't fall apart all the time, the technology and engineering has gotten to the point where frequently their cars are the best-in-class, and people take them seriously.  Clearly, something needed to be done.

"Our cars have gotten so good that people can't make any jokes about them any more!" said Richard Crapcar, head of PR for Hyundai USA.  "We've abandoned our brand values and are paying the price for it with increased sales, customer loyalty, and a shiningly positive reputation in almost every market we inhabit.  We've got to do something about this before it's too late."

And that something comes in the form of the 2012 Excel Hatchback.  "We realized that we needed both a trendy retro-style model as well as something that recognizes the routes of our brand, and with the Excel we've hit the nail on the head."  It's virtually identical to the thoroughly mediocre C-segment hatchback that the Korean brand foisted on many unsuspecting consumers in the 80's and 90's, from the ugly rubber bumpers to the poorly made knockoff Mitsubishi engine.

"With the Excel hatchback, people will stop saying 'that's a Hyundai?' and start saying, 'ugh, that's a Hyundai.'  We also plan to re-introduce those obnoxious "Hyundai - rhymes with Sunday!" adverts that assume our car buyers have the pronunciation skills of a third-grader.  It's going to be a home-run success."

The 2012 Excel can't come soon enough for Hyundai. "With glowing press reviews for cars like the Genesis sedan and Coupe, the new Sonata, and even the Tuscon SUV, people are quickly running out of automotive jokes," says Richard.  "These days, the heated rear windows on Hyundais are for clearing condensation, rather than keeping your hands warm when you push.  With the Excel, you've got a 20-year-old Mitsubishi design under the hood, which you know is going to spin it's main bearing around 30,000 miles.  If the clutch doesn't explode first.  Who knows?  The Excel aims to put the frustrating excitement back in Hyundai ownership!"

The Excel will come in horrible-looking 5-door hatchback form, or laughably awkward 4-door sedan form, both of which are guaranteed to prevent procreation among owners of these contraptions.  "Walk a girl out from the bar to one of these and you're sure to not run into any unwanted offspring situations.  It's a sure-fire form of contraception."

Look for Hyundai Excels to hit dealerships all over first quarter of 2011, and look for them to start rusting and leaving the lots with huge rebates shortly thereafter.  If everything goes according to plan, people should be making fun of Hyundais again very soon!

...April Fools!