This Car Is NOT A Coupé: Deciphering Manufacturer Bullshit

There used to be a time when car makers were honest with you. They didn't try to blatantly lie to your face, telling you their cars were something that any damn fool can see they are not. This was back in the day, when American cars told you something about the car's personality; a Mustang wanted to run free, a Catalina tasted like salad dressing, and a Cougar was probably driven by a hot divorced librarian ahem. Germans cars were even more blunt about it, even if their names weren't quite as interesting. Take BMW: the most interesting name they ever gave a car was Bavaria, and that would be like calling the Corvette the Bowling Green Kentucky. Otherwise, it was just numbers and letters.

But they did follow a formula that told you exactly what you were looking at. The first number told you what size the car was, and the second two numbers told you how big the engine was. Was it followed by an "i"? Then it had fuel injection. A 318 would be a 3-series with a 1.8L. A 735i was a 7-series with a 3.5L, fuel injected engine. Pure and simple.

All these dull alphanumeric inscriptions weren't the flashiest, most creative thing, but they meant something. They maintained the status quo in typical Germanic efficiency. When your neighbor pulled up in his new 325i, your 323i looked a little seedy.

does what it says on the boot.

In the past few years, that's totally gone by the wayside. Following this logic, you'd think that a 328i would be a 2.8 liter, and a 335i would be a 3.5 liter? Of course not. A 328i has a two-liter four cylinder. A 335i has a three-liter six. A 740i has the same engine as a 335i, which is neither a 3.5L nor a 4.0L. A 650i doesn't have a 5.0L engine either (it's a 4.4L). My head hurts.

Audi's a little more honest. Their 3.2L V6 is actually a 3.1L, but in the same way that the 302ci Windsor V8 Ford sold for years as a "5.0" was actually a "4.9". That's marketing for you. The 3.1 replaced the (actually a) 3.0L, which replaced the 2.8L, so you know - continuity. The 1.8T was actually a 1.8L with a turbo. They're not too bad - except of course for the current 3.0T engine that comes in the S4, A6, and more. Which is of course, not turbocharged, but supercharged. What exactly was wrong with called it the 3.0S? Those chrome "Kompressor" badges have always worked well for Benz.

Audi "3.0T."  Notice a lack of turbochargers.

Speaking of Benz, let's talk guys. A C250 has a 1.8L engine? Oh, that's neat. The C250 replaced the C230, right? Which had a... 2.5L engine? Alright, and so the C280 has a 3.0L - and the C300 has a 3.0L as well? Sweet! What does the C350 have, a 4.7L rotary? Wait, it actually has a 3.5L? There's less honesty in Mercedes' naming conventions than there is in a political campaign ad.

So that's annoying of course, that the Germans would corrupt their own system that was centered around being transparent. Meanwhile some up-reaching brands trying to emulate the Germans have lost part of the formula in translation. Witness Lincoln, who probably can't explain their "MK_" naming convention any better than I can. Which is to say, not at all. What's the difference between an MKT, MKS, MKX, and MKZ? Who the MKF knows? Mercury's dead now, and that's probably because they replaced sexy cars like the Cougar with rental cars like the Milan. No one who lives in Milan would drive a Milan. It ranks up there on the list of "cars least likely to be driven by someone living in the town it was named after" along with greats like the Chevrolet Monte Carlo and the Dodge Aspen. Or the Diahatsu Jackson Hole (made that one up.)

Yeah but did you see the lady they had in the ads for these?  So worth it.

But you know what, I can ignore horseshit naming conventions if the car's good at what it's supposed to do. The 335i may not have a 3.5L, but it's awesome. Toyota can build a Prius Falcon Punch edition as long as it gets great gas mileage, and the Corvette Meager Mouse with 800 face-shredding horsepower is cool by me as well. But since I'm on the topic of calling out pseudo-marketing bullshit, let's get to the point here.

This is not a coupé.

Neither is this.

Shockingly enough, neither is this.

We've gone so far past being honest about what cars are by now. Making a sedan out of a 6-series doesn't result in a Gran Coupé, it's a Gran Sedan. A coupé has two doors, BMW. Just two, no more. I blame Saturn, who called the four-door (the rears opened backwards) Ion the Quad Coupe. The latest vomit-inducing perversion of definitions comes courtesy of Mercedes-Benz and the CLS Shooting Brake. Not the car itself, which is a quite sexy low-slung wagon, which the world could do with more of. No, they have the nerve to tell us this with a straight face: "The proportions of the CLS Shooting Brake are surprising but clearly those of a coupé... but with five doors and a roof which continues through to the rear...  in essence it represents an unprecedented version of a sports car with five seats and a large tailgate."

Let's see here Benz, what has the proportions of a coupé but with five doors and a long roof? Nothing. That makes it most definitely not a coupé, rather a station wagon.

To Audi and the A7. If you weren't aware, it's a big, sleek 5-door fastback that shares guts with the A6. It's a great car; basically in between an A6 sedan and Avant for practicality, but a little sleeker than both. Oh, but no! It's a coupé! Audi, tell it like it is for us plebeians: "The A7 combines prestige, sportiness and functionality into a five-door coupé with seating for four." My mistake, Audi, clearly that hatchback with five doors is a coupé.

What's next? Is Porsche going to dress up an Audi Q5 in a Porsche body kit and sell it at their dealerships? Oh.