You Mod If You Want To. The Man's Not For Modding

Leave me alone, you lot. Not so long ago on Car Throttle, I discussed the move from Max Power-ing innocent hatchbacks to chipping and mapping standard rep-saloons, and how modding was pretty standard behaviour happening to pretty standard cars.

That’s fine. No beef.

What I’ve been startled by is - since I’ve got my Ford Puma - the number of questions, tweets, even comments on this site (thanks Brian Driggs and James Mackintosh, if you’re reading – which you should be) asking me when I’m going to put some coilovers on it, or if I want help stripping it out for track work. It’s like there’s a hoard of mod-happy petrolheads, with tools in hand (leave it) desperate to interfere with my car...

No, thanks very much! I’d have been rather pissed off if I’d bought the car to find out someone had taken out the dashboard and back seats, so why would I want to fill a skip with all that perfectly good stuff myself? It’s not a track car, and though I may track it a little in the future, that’ll be more as a test of my (lack of) ability than the car’s. So no, I won’t be requiring super-sticky tyre upgrades or brakes off a Focus RS and wheels to fit over them, either.

Then there’s the big one: dropping the ride height, mostly provoked by this picture:

Now, when I shot that, I thought it was a well-composed picture of a tidy car in a picturesque setting. But oh no. What this in fact shows – apparently – is that my car has got a fat arse, and is in desperate need of coilovers to drop the ride height down – and probably some nice big rims to fill up the arches better.

Listen in, mod freaks, because I’m only saying this once. I bought the Puma principally because it is, and always has been, bloody fantastic to drive. For the money, there’s little better. Its award-winning, Clarkson-endorsed handling makes a mockery of the fact you can pick one up for five hundred quid. It got that reputation from being tuned by Ford supremo Richard Parry-Jones, who if you don’t know, is basically responsible for almost every Ford of the past 20 years being damn fine to drive. Word is, he was a complete nutter to sit alongside, but that mental streak meant he found the limits of the teapot-like Ka, Focus ST, and yes, Puma, and set them up properly.

I’ve read, though I forget where, that when Ford’s design blokes had finished with the Puma, it had a much lower, mighty-fine looking rear stance. But after Rich got his hands on it, he found the handling got even better if the rear suspension travel was tweaked, and if the ride height went up. So, the car was altered, it still sold to all the fashion-conscious hairdressers, but underneath was a great B-road weapon, thanks to the changes made to some fairly ordinary kit by Richard Parry-Jones.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this means he got it right first time. Hence The Puma Supremacy. Handling came before the looks, and it’s done the Puma no harm at all since 1997. So why would I go messing with that, if it was deliberately signed off to look like that by one of the greatest chassis eggheads to ever plant arse in driver’s seat?

Alright, speaking of seats, I admit that I wouldn’t say no to something a bit more supportive than my Puma’s leather chairs, but once you’ve fitted aftermarket Recaros to the existing mounts and got them past all the MoT wrangling its psychological support you’ll be needing from all the extra DIY hassle, not lower back support for those twisty sliproads.

I get modding, I promise, I do. It’s great to individualise your car, and I’ve no doubt if I put sticky tyres like the CR-Z Mugen’s on the Puma, or mean-spec dampers, it’d be faster than a standard one. Whoop-ee-do. Mine’s fine as it is thanks. It lift-off oversteers, it chatters through the steering, and it ain’t broke, so I ain’t fixing it.

This is a 'Cease And Desist Order', mod-bullies. You have been warned.