BMW: Joy Is Irritating

Sometimes you sit down to start writing something and nothing comes out. This could be because you're trying too hard to be unique, humorous or mind blowing. But this usually does not happen as we all know that you seldom strike the lottery two or three times in a row. You even see this in Hollywood. Sometimes that famous director scores it big with a blockbuster or two but the next movie he directs gets panned by the critics and fans stay away. It happens. Even in writing this sort of thing happens too.

Anyway, the automotive scene is an interesting place to be living in. There are new cars being launched just about every other day. If it isn't a new model, it's a facelift of a car. If it isn't a facelift, a tuning house may be trying to egg out a billion or so horsepower from its power plant. If it isn't tuning, it could be one of those recalls or controversies affecting a particular model or brand. The list is endless.

So I've decided to write about BMW. Something has changed, and not in a good way. From their new 'Joy is Something' catchphrase to the new niche like SUV cum Sports car cum I don't know what is that that they keep on churning out. I was driving around town one day and as I passed a BMW sales outlet I cringed. It had that 'Joy is Driving' or 'Joy is BMW' slogan plastered on the outside of the building. I suppose in the good ol' days, which are now long gone, BMW would want all of us to believe that they were producing the 'Ultimate Driving Machine'. Now they want us to be utterly and ridiculously joyful.

BMW is telling us that 'Joy is Driving'. This would mean that we could be very joyful if we bought a Mercedes Benz SL63, or an Audi TT-RS, or even a small Alfa MiTo or any other car that actually isn't a BMW. Of course you could ignore that marketing and go to their new motto/slogan, which is 'Sheer Driving Pleasure'. This was from 'The Ultimate Driving Machine', which is actually still cooler sounding than the former. What this change in slogan means is that BMW no longer produces the 'ultimate driving machine'. Even though they do use it in their marketing from time to time.

I suppose this is due to the fact that no one actually buys BMWs to drive anymore. These people actually don't even care about 'sheer driving pleasure' or 'joy is driving' slogans. They buy BMWs for the badge and even BMW knows this. If they didn't, they wouldn't be making those hideous X6s or that pretty useless X1. I know its pretty useless because it is basically a 3 series station wagon on a raised platform riding on large wheels with no off road capability whatsoever and is for people dropping off their children on school runs. A Honda Jazz could do the same thing it does, but better.

And another thing, the X1's interior is not a nice place to be in. There is that part between the air vents and the center console that if you use your pointer finger and press the plastic, it flexes. Press harder and I bet you it'll break. The interior of this BMW and to some extent other BMWs feels like BMW spent the development budget on the chassis, engine and then had none left for the interior. This from a supposedly premium SUV from a premium car manufacturer.

If you sat in an Audi Q5, which is also an ugly dumpy looking fella, you'd never feel an ounce of cheapness anywhere on the dashboard let alone anywhere in the SUV. Bland it may be, but never cheap, unlike the X1. The irony of this is that the X1 is outselling all other premium SUVs in Europe. It shows people are buying for the brand, and not really for the quality anymore. Hence, the new slogan I suggest - “Joy of Buying the Ultimate Badge”.

Previously I wouldn't have minded having slightly shoddy quality in a BMW as it was a car I'd want to drive fast in. Like a Ferrari in the days of Enzo Ferrari. You buy the engine for the aural experience and power, everything else is just there so that Ferrari can sell it to you.

There was even a survey conducted by BMW where they stated that 80% of the people that bought the 1 series didn't even know which wheels drove the car. Some thought it was front wheel drive like all the other small hatchbacks. Some didn't care. So how can BMW say that they're tapping into the motoring enthusiast market?

Then there are those that bought the X6 (pictured above passing a decent looking Mercedes C-class and looking really weird from that angle). If they were serious motorheads, and enJOY driving, they wouldn't buy those monstrous X6Ms and then tell us that they're serious about belting it out through the corners. Or taking the car err...jeep, errr whatchamacallit to Sepang or to the Nurburgring. This is because no matter how good an X6M can corner, it will never be as good as an M6. Period. The only reason people buy the X6 is that is has a 'commanding' SUV driving position. Not because its an 'Ultimate Driving Machine'.

If you delve further into the workings of corporate BMW you'd be even more fuddled. You see, when the Mercedes Benz CLS came out it was a hit. The rest of the German car manufacturers were caught reeling from the enthusiastic response. The Volkswagen Audi Group definitely felt it by quite quickly adapting the Passat chassis into the Passat CC (pictured below). This was a cut price CLS that was warmly received even here in South East Asia.

Audi was slightly slow in jumping into the picture with the A5 and only now with the A7 (which somehow isn't particularly nice to look at as it is still a little plain looking). But at least they came out with interesting RS6s to fill in the sporty saloon gap at that point of time. But not BMW. BMW decided to launch an X6 to counter the CLS. They decided to counter a niche vehicle with a vehicle that filled in another niche, not the same one as the CLS. Amazing. It's like countering a forest fire by starting another one about a thousand miles away, far removed from the actual incident.

And now after some funny looking hunchbacked whale sized X6, an extra tall station wagon called the X1 and a 5 series called the Grand Turismo (pictured above) which is the bastard child of the earlier E65 7series upfront, the rear of an X6, the ride height of an X6 on chopped springs and the DNA of a Rover SD1 – which is actually really bad, BMW finally decides to announce that it may launch a 4 door coupe like the CLS. And the CLS is now going on to its second generation. Imagine that.

BMW is one company that keeps losing the plot over and over again. I have never known a company so relentless in pursuing niche markets that it comes up with models that are supposed to be a result of a comprehensive market study and veering away from its roots. Of course with the new F01 7 series and the new F10 5 Series (pictured below), the really ugly Grand Turismo aside, things are going back to the old days. These new cars seem to be designed like a car, and not like a building, with cuts and louvers, flame surfacing here and there, funny creases everywhere that would make it date pretty fast. The problem at that time was that BMW's design chief Chris Bangle's influences were buildings (like the Sydney Opera House) instead of actual fun stuff like rockets, fighter planes and spaceships, which actually look aerodynamic and fast in the first place.

The basic slim pillared, huge kidney grill and simple elegance in their saloons are back on the two cars mentioned above. This is a very good thing. There may be hope for BMW yet.