Tales From Sales: Prankster's Paradise

Editor's Note: Continuing this new series, Matthew Guy tells us some stories from in the trenches as a car salesman. Some are ridiculous, some gob smacking. Fact or fiction? You decide.

One thing about selling cars is that there are invariably going to be times when the showroom is deader than a disco. Eerily silent. Tumbleweed City. You get the idea. If idle hands are the devil’s workshop, then a dealership devoid of customers is the devil’s construction site. Jokes, pranks, and tricks sprout like weeds.

New guys were always the easy marks, especially if they didn’t know anything about the technicalities of cars and were instead hired on their sales ability. One in particular fell for it hook, line, and sinker. He had stationed himself by the big window overlooking the lot when my co-worker and I approached him in a rush.

“Neal!” I roared, using my most excited voice, “the manager did a dealer trade and we need to move the red SUV out of showroom immediately. But that hatchback in front of it won’t start! We need your help.”

Eager to be part of any activity that would ingratiate him to the manager, he immediately seized the opportunity.

“Sure thing!”, he said.

“Dart up to the service department and ask Gary for a can of compression", I said with a straight face. As if on fire, Neal took off in the direction of the service department.

“That’ll keep him busy,” grinned my coworker. “See any ups?” he asked, noting the term used to describe a new customer.

In short order though, Neal returned unexpectedly. He was all out of breath.

“Gary wants me to ask if the hatchback is turbocharged. There are two types of compression, you know!”

Unsurprisingly, young Neal wasn’t on the payroll very long. Gary, however, remains there to this day.

Seasoned veterans were not immune. During one sales event the dealership had ponied up for balloons and tank of helium. The lack of marketing effort had put one grizzled veteran, Harv, in a particularly foul mood. Harv was known as a tireless prankster, from gluing papers to people’s desks to putting shaving cream on telephone receivers to hiding new deliveries in an obscure corner of the service area. This day, however, we managed to get one over on him for a change.

Harv had been leaning on the bed of a truck in the showroom for over an hour. His arse stuck out and, more importantly, one of the belt loops on his pants stuck out even farther. Quieter than I had ever seen, a co-worker snuck up behind him and – I swear I’m not making this up – tied one of the helium balloons to the back of Harv’s pants through the belt loop. Within minutes, a customer pulled onto the lot and Harv strolled out to greet them.

Attempting to talk to his new prospect, Harv was blissfully unaware of the bright yellow balloon dancing behind him in the strong autumn wind. The customers, however, were very aware and were looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. We, meanwhile, were rolling on the showroom floor, laughing like hyenas.

The laughter reached a crescendo when the aforementioned autumn winds started to bat the balloon at Harv’s head, causing him to finally realize he was tethered. When he turned around, the customers bolted for their car, adding insult to injury. Harv roared back into the dealership like a January snowstorm.

“Who did that!?! Who did that!?! Now look! Customer’s gone!”. These incomplete sentences were followed by much loud cursing.

Helpless with laughter, we all were unable to answer. Harv never leaned on that truck again. Sometimes, idle hands can have a lot of fun with tumbleweeds.

Find Matthew Guy on Twitter @matthewkguy (Matthew the Car Guy)