Yes folks, it’s that time of year when we celebrate the things that go bump in the night. I’m not talking about Honda Civics street racing at 2am, or your upstairs neighbours who have neither modesty nor a decent stereo. I’m talking about Halloween - demons, ghosts, zombies, vampires, werewolves, clowns, politicians; you know, the things we love to pretend are really scary but aren’t scary or the least bit real.
Or are they?
The truth is these things are real. Yes CTzens, you heard it here first. The world is awash in evil and the truth is far more sinister than you know, going deeper than anyone could possibly imagine. Sounds like a conspiracy theory created by some crackpot writer to segue into a goofy list of random cars, but you must trust me. You must, because I’m not just a messenger here. I’m part of a centuries-old secret society of warriors against evil, and it’s time we stepped into the light. Seriously. I’m not making this up. I have the hat and everything.
I bring this terrible truth to Car Throttle because, after a year and a half of entertaining (or annoying) you with witless car stories, I believe CTzens are the last hope of our world. So please, join me in this fight to save humanity. Your quest begins by purchasing one of these seven vehicles that are well-suited to battling the forces of evil. Plus they have cool factor, and us warriors are all about being cool in the face of certain doom.
You can find these ex-police cars for sale in every American town. For you warriors across the pond, they are worth the effort to import because they’re cheap, they have V8 power with full frames underneath, and you can easily install push bars up front to crash into things. And a special feature for those of us stateside - when you drive an ex-cop car people automatically move out of your way.
I single out these Volvos because they were actually built using vibranium. Yes, another Car Throttle exclusive - vibranium is real and it’s not just used for Captain America’s shield (which by the way is completely made-up). Vibranium actually comes from Sweden, and Volvo is really a front for a much larger company that secretly builds specialty vehicles for combating the forces of darkness. Plus, they’re great for family trips across the country or the occasional snow rally.
Another conspiracy theory blown wide open - The Grand Tour’s Richard Hammond is a member of the secret warrior society and his old TG film on the Marauder was actually a recruitment piece. Who wouldn’t want to roll into a zombie-infested town in this 9900kg package of unstoppable awesomeness, belting out silver bullets and streams of fire while AC/DC’s Highway To Hell blasts on the radio. The world gained 42 new warriors because of this film. Thanks Hammond!
You might think fighting the forces of darkness in a tiny runabout like this would be like delivering canned food to zombies. In fact, the Fiat 500 Abarth is one of the best infiltration vehicles of all time. It looks oddly menacing, and when baddies hear that angry four-cylinder growl, they think it’s one of their own. That gives us warriors the element of surprise, and when the demons figure out they’ve been duped, the Abarth is quick and nimble enough to give them the slip. It’s actually one of my favourite vehicles to fight the good fight with.
If you’ve seen the television show Supernatural you know this car. It’s big, it’s bad, there’s room for all kinds of weapons in the trunk, and no matter how bad it gets wrecked, it’s always fixed for the next episode. And yet another surprise - this show is actually a near-perfect documentary on life as a warrior against evil. Obviously things are dramatized for Hollywood, but the show’s purpose is to ease the world into the idea that evil is among us. Why else would it still be on after 12 seasons?
The Aventador is a curious machine for this list, because it wasn’t actually built to fight evil. In a fight it offers little protection. Visibility isn’t that great, so you really need to be on your guard for surprise attacks. But like the Fiat, evil is drawn to the Aventador’s malicious styling and fiendish sound like Subaru owners are drawn to big spoilers and gold wheels. Creatures of the night are rendered helpless in the Aventador’s presence, ensuring their swift destruction by the brave warriors inside utilizing the Lambo’s trademark scissor doors.
I hope everyone is ready, because I’m about to blow the lid off the biggest automotive story of all-time. Mustangs aren’t crashing by accident. I know . . . mind blown, right?
Since 2003 all Mustangs have a special automated feature that allows them to seek and destroy evil. It’s true - why do you think the 2003 - 2004 Cobras were nicknamed terminators? The fact that we have so much video evidence of Mustangs on the attack should be a wake-up call to the world. Evil is here and it’s spreading, so the next time you see a Mustang dive into a crowd, don’t crack a joke or create a new meme. Just know that the car is actually trying to save the world.
And on that note, this Mustang owner is called to duty once more. See you on the other side.