Why The Inventor Of The Car Would Slap Petrolheads

You know when you've been tangoed

127 years ago, the automobile was invented. In one and a quarter centuries, the car has transformed from a three-wheeled, two-and-three-quarter horsepower carriage to a machine which, in its most extreme road-legal guise, has 1200hp, weighs the thick end of 2000kg, and can travel at 269mph. That’s some evolution.

Karl Benz. Car Inventor. Movember Champion 1867.

So, question: what would the inventors of the motor car reckon to what it’s become today, and how their baby can perform? Would Karl Benz and his beaten compatriots Gottlieb Daimler and Wilhelm Maybach approve of what we’ve done with their labour of love? Yes, that’s right; Germany gave the world pretty much the only worthwhile invention not thought up by the British. But we’ll let them have that one, in return for jet engines, computers, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and the world-wide web.

Sarcastic patriotism for the win

I reckon they’d give one particular group of people a proper slap. And that unfortunate posse of slappees is us – the very people who hold Benz’s and co’s invention in the highest regards: petrolheads. Here’s why.

After one bright spark invents something, there’s then an arms race to perfect the device into something, well, perfect. The Chinese discovered gunpowder, whacked it in largely rubbish cannons, then the Germans happened across rifling, which was borrowed by the French to create more accurate artillery. And then used to blow the British to bits, for a little while. Even in 2013, just 20 years after Tim Berners-Lee came up with the wizard wheeze for an interconnected network of computers, it’s still being advanced. Mobile internet. Faster speeds. Integration into telephones, televisions, illegal glasses, and yes, cars. You don’t have to invent something to make a success, or better yet, a money out of it. Isn’t that right, Bill Gates?

'This is heavy, Doc.' 'Then wait for the GT3 RS'

So, it’s clear the best way to do justice to an inventor’s brainchild is to take that idea and update it with the latest technology, ideas, and creativity. Without that simple thought process, the laptop, phone or tablet you’re reading this on wouldn’t exist. Neither would this website, come to think of it. But what about cars?

Cars have, in the past couple of years, reached a real tipping point in their development. It’s happened so quickly, and so frequently, it’s already become a cliché. And it boils down to this: ‘it’s too easy to drive fast’. Here’s a quick top-of-my-head list of new cars which that phrase has been attributed to since, say, 2005.

Porsche 911 Turbo Nissan GT-R McLaren 12C Mitsubishi Evo Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren Audi RS6 VW Golf R Renault Clio RS 200 Turbo

'Wait, have either of us got a driver on board?'

An eclectic mix. Front, rear, and all-wheel drive. Hatchbacks, an estate, a saloon, and some supercars. Turbocharged, supercharged, four-cylinder and V8s, ranging from 197bhp to 626bhp. £20k to £320k. That shows just how wide-ranging this ‘too fast is too easy’ mantra is stretched.

Faster and less thirsty than the old one. Progress?

Show any one of those vehicles to the inventor of the car and they would, once the poor bloke had regained consciousness and recovered from the shock, probably be pretty chuffed how advanced the car is. It’s still recognisably related to the original: piston engine burns fuel to turn wheels, but with automatic gearboxes, fat tyres, assisted steering and brakes and hugely powerful engines, a sensational advance in just over a century.

Wait, the world's first car was a DONK?

And the fact that anyone with a driving license can drive any of those cars really, really fast, in many case by nailing one pedal and holding on tight, would please the old German eggheads. Their dream of rapid personal transport has been realised. Job done.

But then they’d hear of us: the enthusiasts, the gearheads. Those of us who ‘want a challenge’ and want to be ‘involved in the experience of driving’. Don't worry, I'm one of you. Those of us – pretty much all of us, in fact - who reckon speed and ease of operation isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of a car. It should be about the sensations it provides, the nuances it transmits, and the impression it leaves behind.

SLAP

You were warned

Can you imagine how that’d go down with Benz and co.? There they were attempting to invent a device to get future generations from A to B as simply as possible, and now there’s a whole army of drivers who don’t want to arrive at B as fast as they might, just as long as they get to heel and toe, left-foot brake, opposite lock and deafen/scare/amuse/arouse/kill themselves on the way.

'So easy to drive, I don't even need to use my strangely effeminate right hand.'

Just a thought. You might decry, or ‘hate on’ modern performance cars for going for progress at the cost of adventure, but if you really think about it, that’s exactly what the motor car was invented for in the first place.