10 Winter Cars For The Clinically Insane

Ah, Winter. The jingle of bells, the long starry nights, and the clatter of relatives falling down the stairs after too much eggnog.

It's also the time of year when car salesmen start boosting the prices of winter-suitable wheels to make a few extra quid during the 'travel chaos'.

Alternatively, if you see any of the following out on the roads, then you can be sure the driver either has massive spuds, or a very, very small brain.

1. Smart Crossblade

Love or hate the regular Smart Fortwo, it will at least keep its owners dry this winter, even those with the funky cabrio. The Crossblade... won't. It doesn't have a roof. Or doors, or windows for that matter. Which is why smart offered special waterproof clothing for its buyers. Sadly, wearing it makes you look even more like you've just driven off the set of a bad 1970s space movie.

2. Mini Moke

The Mini Moke was originally designed as a military vehicle, a bit like a light-weight Land Rover. Only utterly useless at going off-road. Instead, it became a fashion accessory. With no doors though and a bit of tarpaulin held up with twigs for a roof, only the brave hardy stupid would take it out in winter.

3. Radical

In winter, you'd have to be a bit suicidal to drive a Radical. It only does two speeds: stopped, and ballistic. With the former the car would soon fill up with water and you'd drown; with the latter the wind chill of minus eleventy-billion would soon finish you off. Choose your death wisely.

4. Porsche 550 Speedster

James Dean may have come to an abrupt end behind the wheel of a 550 Spyder, but we bet he was having fun in the Californian sun up until then. In England, he'd have given up with frostbitten testes long before getting anywhere dangerous enough to have an accident.

5. Renault Twizy

There's a secret suspicion that Renault has sold the Twizy in the drizzly UK just to have a bit of a laugh at our expense each Winter. Why else would it sell a car with no windows - or even doors, if you're a cheapskate - in Britain? Still, rear-wheel drive and instant torque might be fun in the snow.

6. Caterham 7

The Caterham 7 has long been known for two things. Firstly, its epic handling abilities. Secondly, having a roof that couldn't be any more slow and painful to erect if the whole thing was lined with lemon-soaked razor blades. By the time you've finished, it's Summer again.

7. Morgan 3-Wheeler

Morgan's blast from the past is at once the most brilliant car on UK roads, and the most ill-suited to our climate. It has no roof, nor any real windscreen. One of its three wheels will always conspire to find the latest foot-deep pothole, and at the slightest hint of ice you will spin and die. Pip pip, tally-ho, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH.

8. Anything Italian from the 1970s

While the vehicles above are simply ill-suited to weather, your average 1970s Italian car will have a different problem. It might drive okay on slushy roads, but the swift, reddish grip of iron oxide will reduce its mass by 50 per cent on every journey. By the end of winter, you'll just have a pile of non-metallic parts on your driveway.

9. Any supercar

Ever watched the Swedish rally? The cars look hilarious with their skinny tyres, but that blade-like rubber is necessary for cutting through the snow to the grippy surface below. What you don't want is huge, wide tyres - like pretty much any supercar. All the tyre in the world won't help when it has nothing to stick to.

10. The Volkswagen Beetle

Actually, as you can see in the video, the Beetle is pretty good in Winter. So good that VW was happy to gloat about it in its adverts. It'd be almost perfect, but for the fact the heater was about as good at warming you up as the Snow Queen's icy breath. The snow plough driver was probably just trying to get into a vehicle with a proper heater.