Adam Peterson

The SUV craze is your fault. Stop pretending you want a manual wagon. Liar.

When Porsche announced they were adding an SUV to their line-up, the devil confirmed he was alive and well.

Maserati, Lamborghini and Bentley in time have all followed suit. But now, we know god has truly abandoned us, for Bugatti has announced an SUV is the next step for the brand.

When I read the comments on news like Bugatti’s incoming SUV on multiple automotive websites and car forums, one thing strikes me as odd: the number of negative comments towards yet another SUV announcement.

Now I appreciate the sentiment, but, these commenters are liars. Dirty rotten, SUV loving, liars.

According to these people the soccer mum is to blame. It’s the private school mummies that have dominated the market and changed the way the automotive industry looks at car sales. I mean really? C’mon, please. Where is your manual RWD sports car then? Your GT86? Your Subaru station wagon? Where is your manual wagon that you seem to claim is the holy grail and the dying breed we should all be buying? And where all true car nerds, if they want to prove their commitment, should be putting their money.

The reality is, everyone is buying autos and everyone is buying SUV’s or pesky crossovers. And the people that write this anti-SUV hate speech are doing it from their phones, parked in a car park, and sitting in their Audi Q3 with the seat ventilation on, electric parking brake holding firm and the heated steering wheel on ready for when they place their delicate palms on the no-feedback steering wheel, plonk the car into ‘D’ and head off home to look at eBay listings of Datsun 240z as if they can even remember how to shift their own gears or what it feels like to sit at peasant level! These aren’t car enthusiasts. These are fakers.

Every now and then someone is brave though. Someone finds the light in the dark. And that person takes a step, jump or a leap to escape the place in which they are being held captive.

They buy a wagon, estate, sports tourer, avant, touring, whatever you want to call it, it’s not an SUV!

They do the unthinkable and buy a car that has 5 seats, like an SUV.

They buy a car with a giant boot, like an SUV.

They buy a car that can go anywhere, like an SUV… or is that unlike a modern SUV?

Most modern SUV’s are designed with about as much off-road intention as needed to drive up a gravel driveway in Chelsea on a rainy evening. Instead these wagon purchasers get a car that handles well, unlike an SUV, a car that is actually sporty because it’s somewhat near the asphalt on which it rides upon and more entitled to the letter ‘S’ than any “SUV”, and also a car that actually looks good.

In reality, we are all to blame for the SUV craze. People want a sports car but also want seven seats and to be three feet higher than everyone else whilst also be quick and maintaining sports car-like handling.

It’s like the people who bought the Mini in the 2000’s and gave BMW the feedback, “I love my Mini, but I just wish it was bigger and had more leg room in the front, more passenger space in the rear and a boot capable of holding a sperm whale”. Now we are left with a ‘Mini’ that is nowhere the word that is badged all over it.

The modern SUV serves no purpose other than to say “look at me, look how I tower above you”. They can’t go off road and even the ones that can never do. You never see SUV’s driving around with more than one person in the car. You never see them with a full boot hauling stuff. You never see them with a roof box and kayak fixed to a Thule tack and a bike on the back heading towards white water rapids and bike trails and camping for the weekend. No, you see them in the supermarket, you seem them at schools, you see them in office car parks. That’s it. The cars that aren’t serving a viable purpose. Destroy the cars and make the owners stand in the naughty corner and think about what they’ve done to the state of the automotive industry, our roads and my poor eyes.

But, as for those keyboard warriors who condemn so strongly this new automotive landscape, guess what they do to those friends, family and acquaintances who are brave enough to buck the trend? They slander them. They slander their choice. They boil down their new sports tourer as just being an ‘old mans car’ or a grandmas car for going to the garden centre. Regardless of whether you buy an XF-RS or 335i touring, you bought a wagon and now you are a joke.

When will the SUV craze end? Never. Because you all keep buying them. It’s funny to me how every commenter is a die-hard manual wagon fan boy yet walking down the street these people’s manual wagons appear to be nowhere to be found. Perhaps it’s me? Perhaps I’m walking down the wrong streets.

The only wagon that seems to escape the mockers is Audi’a RS6 but perhaps that’s because it’s an automatic and people are lazy now and don’t care for manuals m. Why should I change gear myself?! I like everything to be easy.

As for the future of sports wagons and sports cars in general, it’s not looking bright. My case in point is Lotus. Lotus for gods sake! I mean what the hell is happening?! Lotus, the manufacturer of the Exige, Elise, Evora and a former F1 team. A company founded by Colin Chapman and defined by their no frills, lightweight and fantastic handling sports cars is, of course, bringing an SUV to market.

The only hope left is McLaren it seems. And even then, I’m not too sure how long they’ll be able to weather this storm.

So when the day comes where your only option left is to buy an SUV, I hope you’ll all be happy with the lies you told yourselves.

The world changed in June 2007 when Apple Inc. and the late Steve Jobs released the first iPhone.

A phone, iPod and internet communicator all in one. Quite the breakthrough if I do say so myself.

And so started a new era in human history - the smartphone era. Constantly attached to us. Always present. Always listening (Pesky Russian hackers). Restaurants, birthdays, weddings, even cinemas (fcuk those people): smartphones are everywhere.

So why, I ask you, does every new car have an iPad lazily stuck to the dashboard like some goofy afterthought? cough New Fiesta cough.

My cellular device can play music, podcasts, run Waze and record video would you imagine! I can even talk to it, without using my hands, like I am truly in what the 1980’s imagined the future to be like.

With the human race bowing down to the warm controlling glow of the smartphone I thought then, at least, interior vehicle design in 2018 would be freer now that everyone has an 8 inch display in their pocket. There really is no need for a big, cumbersome, horrible-looking plastic screen where the operating system is laggy, difficult to navigate and out of date when you buy the car, let alone two years into your four year finance contract.

What’s the need for a slow, out of date system, ‘meh’ resolution screen when we have smartphones that you can upgrade whenever you see fit and applications that are automatically updating and improving every time you drop the kids off at the pool.

Manufacturers really don’t need to spend time and money developing infotainment systems anymore. Apple, Samsung, Huawei and any other brands you can think of have it covered, so manufactures can put that time and money into something people really need… like manual transmissions… #deathtomanuals #soccermumssellcars #notenthusiasts Anyhow, besides the point, I know, apologies.

But seriously, all I need and all anyone else needs (Yes, I speak for everyone) is Bluetooth connection, aux input and a place to position the phone that is perfect. Imagine if manufacturers committed to designing a perfect place to hold your smart phone, any smartphone for that matter, in that car that could be modified and adjusted to suit individual needs. Personally I’ve always loved my phone coming forward from a suction cup on the windscreen attached to a flexible arm, just my preference. Also imagine if they could integrate the phone so that you could record video while driving that’s saving to the car’s memory instead of your phone, good bye dash cam and hello cleaner dashboard.

The only company who is clearing the dashboard of clutter and bringing back classy design to the interior is Audi with the virtual cockpit, freeing the dash to look sleek, sexy and timeless. As for the virtual cockpit itself, only time will tell if that will be timeless - obviously.

And it’s not even specific manufacturers, models or niches with these giant screens. It’s every new car! Even you little Mx-5.. Pure driver’s car.. Here! Have a big crappy screen… Let’s see if the ND ages as well as the NA. I know where I’m putting my money.

Even the exterior design of a car can’t save it from its interior. I mean take a look at a 2007 Audi R8 today, still looks epic and classy with its smooth spaceship appearance and forward thinking design but go ahead and jump in that interior. It just feels so like a 2007 iPhone. Incredible at the time, but where the iPhone was updated every six months with an S or a new number, the R8 screen wasn’t. You bought it like that and it stays like that.

Remember GTA San Andreas? Remember how amazing the graphics were in 2005? Of course you do.
Well, do me a favour and fire up your PlayStation 2 that’s collecting dust in the attic, grab some snacks and play San Andreas today. That’s what your 2018 A-Class will feel like in 10 years. Not timeless, but laughable.