The Art of the Hoon: The Ultimate Guide
Hoon (verb) A collective of car enthusiasts driving within their, and the vehicles limits, purely for pleasure. See; jolly, fun.
Before any hoon there must first be a man (or woman) who dreams the hoon is possible. They must believe the weather will be suitable. They must believe everyone will be available on the same day, the same time. Crucially, they must believe everyone’s cars are working.
With all those beliefs coming true, a hoon can happen. Fun can be had. Silly noises with cars can be made and if lucky, a car may break which will give the rest of the group a fantastic opportunity to take the piss out of the unfortunate owner until the next hoon.
So who is this person who must believe? It is of course the hoon master. The first of various roles required for a successful and enjoyable hoon.
The hoon master has various crucial roles throughout the entire affair. They will initially find possible routes which include various styles of roads to give everyone’s vehicles a chance to shine. The hoon master will also lead the group, allowing them to set a sensible pace, which allows good, safe hoonage, stopping some of the other hoon-ers taking it just a bit too far. This makes sense as the hoon master normally has the nicest car, so they have the most to lose if they end up binning it.
Ours did have a 911. However he sold that for a Corolla. So if you’d like to apply to the position on hoon master please get in touch at - I’m not a complete buffoon and sold my Porsche for a Corolla…
Every hoon master requires a vice. There is only so much google maps one person can look at before their eyes go squint and they start imagining the M40 has some good corners in it. They too again have an excellent hoonmobile however their role is slightly different. When the hoon masters route is plagued by unexpected roadworks or worse, the Sunday driver the vice master will always have an alternative up their sleeve.
While on the hoon the vice master will not be up front leading the pack. They will take a more rearward position chasing up any stragglers that cannot manage the sensible pace being set up front.
With the two lead roles for the hoon filled, it’s onto the meat of it. The hoon-ers. There are many different characters which make up the group. All are required to give a memorable drive which contains a smorgasbord of vehicles and driving ability.
The first one we have of the group is the one we don’t actually have at all. That’s right it’s the bloke who doesn’t turn up. Now they always have the best intentions to turn up. They want to hoon and usually even have an applicable car for it but there is always something last minute which comes up and stops them.
Ours for instance decides to sod off and build actual race cars most of the time. What a fool.
Next up is the nutter. We all have one. If you’re not quite sure who it is, take a long look in the mirror. The nutter normally has either a horrendously ropey car, or something that is far, far too quick from them. Possibly breaching the obnoxiously fast line. However, thanks to the hoon master and the rigorous pace setting, they are kept in check. They may still kill themselves in some spectacular manner, but being honest, you’d not want to be without that type of excitement in the group.
We now go from the very exciting, to the very dull. Yes it’s the innapropriate car person. Usually turning up in some form of diesel. To combat this they will have claimed to made various chassis sensitive modifications, as their regular commute up the M40 allows them much time to think about how to improve it as they cruise aimlessly on a straight piece of road. It’s all probably in their heads. Does a 20 year old shagged car care if you put a slightly stickier set of tyres on the front to stop push into the corners? Probably not, but does that really matter?
No. They are here, on the hoon, enjoying themselves, keeping up with vehicles they possibly should not be. They are of course, still very welcome.
Within every group there is of course the wannabe racing driver. This character will also more than likely turn up in an inappropriate vehicle, but unlike the previous member, they won’t have any money to fiddle with it as they have spent all of their money on their failed racing career.
They will insist modifications are not necessary however. They are the wannabe racing driver. They can make the difference as the driver, insisting, no matter what vehicle they are up against, they will always be the quickest. The main issue with this character is they only have two driving states. Off, or flat out. One of the more trickier characters for the hoon master to keep in check.
There is always one isn’t there? Yes it’s the guy on the bike. Nobody is quite sure how to incorporate them into the hoon. Surely a good bike road is different to a good car road? This is not an important matter though. They are welcome. If enjoyment is had along the way, then why the hell not?
The last member of the hoon party is also the newest member. It is the EV bloke. You wouldn’t know they were even part of the hoon unless it was for the constant drone. That is the drone of how much money in petrol they have saved since buying the damn thing and how much they are saving the environment compared to us dinosaurs.
Their vehicle is mighty impressive though. That classic EV instant acceleration is a giggle to watch as they pull out of a junction. Just make sure you stop at a pub with a charging point for them though.
So there it is. Everyone you need for an absolute hoot of a hoon.