Every time I get behind the wheel of my Saab, there are a few things I hit the road without. For example…  Anti-lock brakes.  Airbags.  Stability Control.  Electronic Brake Force Distribution.  A windows-based interface.  An elephant.  The kitchen sink.  Electric seats.  Reverse parking sensors.  Now, I don’t want to sound like a total Luddite -- after all, I do hit the road with dual overhead cams, 16 valves, a turbocharger and air-to-air intercooler, rather modern fuel injection, a MAP and knock sensor, a by-god ECU… But there are some things that I just find utterly pointless, which have been deemed “necessary” by today’s market.  Although the full list would probably be endless, I’ve whittled it down to 10 “why tech” advancements I find particularly offensive.

10) Electric Seats

Mercedes-Benz E320 CDI Power Seat Controls

They’re optional on almost every car in existence, and standard on many of them.  I have to say, even though they’ve been around a long time, I don’t buy in.  Think about it: how many people, on average, operate a car?  One, the person that owns it. Sure, there are some people that share cars.  But electric seats are needlessly complicated, prone to failure, heavier than manual seats, and pointless.  If you’re the primary driver of the vehicle, you adjust the seat to where you want it, then leave it there -- right?  So what good are those electric controls?  And what’s so hard about pulling a lever and scooting your butt forward or back to adjust the seat in the first place?

9) Rain Sensing Windshield Wipers and Automatic Headlights

xenon

Oh, come on.  I have rain-sensing windshield wipers in my Saab!  They’re called my eyes.  When it’s raining, I turn the windshield wipers on.  Then there’s no rain on the windshield.  Ditto automatic headlights.  Why integrate an expensive light sensor when it’s never going to be as good at sensing light conditions as a set of human eyeballs, which come standard on every moving car in existence?  Except, apparently, in Michigan.  When it’s dark, I turn on my lights.  When it’s light, I turn them off.  Really, how lazy are we?

8) Auto-Retracting Seatbelts

I realize this one’s a throwback, and that auto-retracting seatbelts have gone the way of the tailfin and the 8-track tape.  But who’s idea was this?  They were in a large number of cars in the mid eighties to the mid nineties, and they were mostly a pain in the butt.  For one thing, they jacked up production costs since instead of a single belt with a single buckle, there were two belts, a track, a belt motor, a door sensor…  They aren’t really any safer than normal seat belts, but they do break all the time or get stuck.  Good riddance to bad garbage.

7) “Sound Pipes”

VW GTI "Sound Pipe"

This is an alarming trend, although a relatively small one that’s really just started.  Some modern sport/performance cars use a plastic pipe leading from the engine bay into the cabin to pump some of that “motor noise” in for the driver’s enjoyment.  Why do these cars have so much heavy sound deadening that you can’t hear the engine in the first place?  For reference, I’m talking about the Mustang GT and Volkswagen GTI, both of which use a “sound pipe” of sorts.  The A3, which is identical to the GTI, doesn’t have the sound pipe.  Know why?  Because the 2.0T sounds like butt.

6) Push Button and Keyless Go Ignitions

startstop

I blame this one on the Honda S2000, which is otherwise a fantastic car.  To show it’s sporting heritage, Honda installed a red “Start/Stop” button.  You had to insert a key, turn it to start, then reach over and hit the start button.  So that’s an extra step over just inserting and turning a key, as well as more components.  See where I’m going with this?  Pointless.  Ditto “Keyless Go” systems, where you keep the key fob with transponder in your pocket, and hit a start/stop button to start the engine.  Needless complication without any measurable gain.  Plus, the batteries in a car key never die -- because a key doesn’t need any stupid $20 batteries.

5) Digital Dashboards

Nissan 300ZX (Mk1) Digital Dashboard

Another one that’s gone by the wayside, with the exception of some weirdo hybrid models.  Still, it’s hard to imagine who’s bright idea a Digital Dashboard was.  Analogue gauges provide a frame of reference to make the meaning of what they’re saying apparent.  For instance, if you have a speedometer that goes to 160, and you see the needle is at 80, you know you’re using approximately half of your car’s potential speed.  If your tach goes to 8 and the needle is at 4, you know you’re halfway to redline.  But if a digital tachometer says “4735rpm”, well…  isn’t that less useful than seeing it in scale?  Also, they were ugly, usually made annoying noises, failed frequently, were hard to read in direct sunlight, and added more needless complication.  There’s a reason there’s never been a Lotus with a digidash.

4) Reverse Parking Sensors

RPS

Ordering a car with Reverse Parking Sensors is paramount to admitting that you don’t know how to drive a car.  Is that harsh?  I hardly think so.  Backing up is pretty much the same as going forward, except it’s the other way.  Gosh.  Does your car have Forward Travel sensors?  I find it particularly funny that the Mini Cooper can be had with a Reverse Parking Sensor.  If you need that to park a Mini Cooper, then your license should be revoked.

3) Non-Defeatable Stability/Traction Control

ESP vs. No ESP

Now, this isn’t just because I have an addiction to tire destruction.  Yes, a car with indefeatable traction control isn’t a whole lot of fun if you want to pop a donut or smoke the tires clear through second gear.  That’s why you buy a 6.0L GTO.  But also, sometimes traction control is a crutch rather than a help.  Like, for instance, in snow.  Over-aggressive traction control can effectively prevent forward motion on snow and ice with a bad driver behind the wheel, which really describes 90% of drivers on the road during a snow storm in North Carolina.  But also, if I’m paying for an extra feature, I’d like to be able to choose whether or not I use it, thanks.  Kudos here go to Audi: during the 80′s, Quattro-equipped Audis came with ABS.  And the ABS came with an off switch. For driving on dirt roads.  How amazing is that?

2) Electric Hybrid Powertrains

Prius Hybrid engine bay

A bold statement, I know.  But to me, it really seems like going around your elbow to get to your thumb, so to speak.  Let’s look at some EPA figures for two cars, the brand-spanking-new Honda Insight, and the Volkswagen Jetta Diesel.  EPA numbers for the Insight with a CVT: 40 city, 43 highway.  Most publications have observed 35-37mpg in real world driving.  EPA numbers for the Jetta Diesel with a (rather pleasant, I must say) six-speed manual: 30mpg city, 41mpg highway.  So, you say, the Jetta gets worse fuel mileage.  So what?

Well, let’s look at some other numbers.  For instance, estimate annual fuel cost based on EPA calculations (55% city, 45% highway, 15,000 miles/year average).  Jetta -- $1001.  Insight -- $893.  That’s a total difference of just over $100.  Now, to you, is it worth an extra $100 a year to enjoy driving a torquey, solid, fun German sport sedan instead of a 1.3L hybrid CVT-equipped Japanese torture box?

Let’s look at some more numbers.  138 would be the number of horsepower under the TDI’s hood, compared to… umm… 98bhp in the Insight.  How about torque?  How does 236lb-ft versus 123lb-ft sound to you?

Oh yeah though, Hybrids are great.  Especially when you need to replace your worn out batteries.

1) Self-Parking Vehicles

What else can I say?