1. For the sadistic among you, boasting about the turbo attached to the Nissan Figaro’s 1-litre engine will earn you extra torture time.
2. Bring your expensive motor to town with it’s exclusive wheels and you’re just asking for the local lads to show you their craft. Nicking wheels is a skill that’s been passed on through the generations.
3. Electric cars; what are you, some kind of fairy or something? Trying to save the world? How do you expect to terrorise local communities when you can’t rev the bollocks off your steed with a Halfords exhaust whailing away in tandem?
4. “But its the Quattro!” won’t be enough to distract the fact you’re in the iconic hairdresser’s car. Evading modified Saxos should be simples, though.
5. While it’s a fact that stickers add valuable horsepower, Hello Kitty just ain’t right. The Smart was a bad choice, too, and the colour? Oh dear.
6. The Volkswagen Beetle is enough to drain your masculinity given the mere hint that you might drive one. Paint it with rainbow colours and rename it ‘Fagbug’, and you have yourself some angry homophobes! You bender.
7. In that there pretentious London, the G-Wiz might make you friends. It shows you care about the environment and that you’re a delicate flower. These same facts will get you dumped in the River Mersey, however.
8. Stanley Park is the focus now. North of the park, and pretty much anything red will ensure you get acquainted with Everton’s finest. Chuck a Liverpool badge on the bonnet, just to be sure.
9. Pop south of the park and Anfield comes into view, where anything blue is likely to get the wrong kind of attention.
10. Finally, cute drop tops. Epitomised by the Nissan Micra CC, these small convertibles will get derisory looks anywhere you take it. In Liverpool, the open roof just makes you an easier target.
You have been warned.